Sometimes, I don’t want to spend time with my kids

 

Positive parenting focuses a lot on the importance of connection. It’s a pattern of behavior that lays the foundation for good interactions and a strong relationship for the long-term.

Blah, blah, blah.

You know that spending time with your kids is important. You know that you should be having quality time together each day.

But honestly, there are times when you really do not like your child.

Of course, you will always love them, but when you’ve been yelled at for hours, or have been called mean names, there’s not a lot of energy or desire to put into strengthening the relationship.

There are times when you don’t want to connect.

It is normal to feel temporarily disconnected from your kids. Some stages are harder than others. You don’t have to live in a dream land where everyone gets along all of the time.

The challenge, though, is to move forward, find the break in connection, and work to repair it.

Connecting with your kids when you don’t feel like connecting

• Find the break: Sometimes, there are legitimate reasons for feeling distant from your child. Most of the time, though, the separation is about us: it’s inconvenient, we have other things we’d rather do, we don’t really like playing legos or barbies or video games, or we just feel uncomfortable. Take a moment to think about what you are feeling and why connecting is bothering you.

• Change the language: Instead of putting the pressure on yourself to connect with your child because you “should,” rephrase the statement to emphasize why connection is important to you or your child. Try: “I connect with my kids because I love learning about their day at school.” or “I connect with my kids because they are growing and changing everyday.”

• Feelings are temporary: Feelings are not facts. They come and go, they change moment to moment. You may not FEEL like connecting, but doing it anyway can change the way you think and feel about your child. It may be uncomfortable or awkward at first. That’s ok. The important thing is that you didn’t let a feeling hold you back from strengthening this relationship.

• Just do it: Now, it’s time to repair the disconnection. You may want to start small, a quick hug, or sitting together watching TV. Or, you may want to brainstorm together to find an activity that is enjoyable for both of you. If it has been a while since you and your child spent quality time together, this step may be uncomfortable at first. With time, connecting will feel more natural.

• Seek help:  If the connection between you and your child is more than you can repair on your own, it’s time to seek help from a mental health professional. This person can help you, your child, or the two of you together. Having an outside perspective may help you sort out the challenges, remove the barriers and find alternative ways to build a stronger relationship.

Yeah, but what about those behaviors…

I know, I know. Parents are always eager to focus on discipline.

Kids deserve to be loved. They deserve to have the time and support of a loving caregiver regardless of their behavior – not as a reward for good behavior.

Are there things that your child needs to learn? Yes. Are there things that you would like for them to do differently? Of course. There will be plenty of opportunities to address this in the future.

For now, I encourage you to put consequences, punishment, and discipline to the side.  Many unwanted behaviors disappear or diminish when we focus on building a strong connection with our kids.

Find out more about connection in my ebook Positive Parenting for Imperfect Families.